Things just keep going wrong. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.
I'm miserable. I've been getting rejection after rejection from Grad schools, and it's making me feel worthless. It makes me feel like all the work I've done the last four years have not been enough. It's so saddening and it makes me feel like shit. (yea, I am going to rant on this post, to avoid from bursting into tears at the library. and theres no one online for me to vent to. figures.)
I got a rejection from my SAFETY school. yea, that happened. Like what the hell????? Totally was not expecting that.
I had an interview this weekend at northeastern, but I'm not getting my hopes up as they interviewed 40 people for 12 spots. Don't think I have a chance. I have an interview at UCLA in 2 weeks, but i just dont know.
I DONT KNOW. What do I do if i dont get in anywhere?? Never did I think I would be in this situation, never. I thought I had a lot of experience, had a great GPA and grades, but nope. Nada. Bye dreams.
Im being over dramatic, but I wanted to go right to school after undergrad. Why the fuck is it so hard.
So I have that going on. I just can't focus on my work because my brain is in over drive.
I thought my interviews went so well though, I dont know what happened. One of the professors even told me that I was a fabulous candidate and what he could tell me to go there. LIKE how do you explain that???
One of my friends from Umass got on the waitlist. i got flat out REJECTED.
FML.
Also, I feel lonely. My roommates are great, but theyre not around a lot and we never hang out. I spend my nights sitting in my room by myself, thinking about doing homework, but end up wasting my time on facebook. I thought when I came back to Umass things would be different, that my friends would be so excited that I was back, and that they would want to see me and we would hang out all the time. But now i feel like its a chore, and that I'm bugging people to hang out and they dont want to. It makes me so sad. I'm always the one texting people to see if they want to do something, and the answer is always know. Even simple lunch or dinner cant be bothered. Its been weeks since I've seen my friends. When I'm around on the weekends, no one wants to do anything, no one wants to go out and do things. But on the weekends that I have an interview and am not around, everyone goes out, gets wasted, has a good time. And I read about it later and just want to cry because I missed a good time for a school that I'm probably not going to get into.
No one came to see me my first day back at UMass. No one. I feel like I have no friends. The people that I spent the last 3 years with have moved on, and i feel like I am no longer part of the group.
Love life woes, lets just say douche bag over winter break left with another girl in front of my face. leave it at that.
and now, I dont even have the energy to go to the gym. I was planning on going at 4 but Im not in the mood. I'm going to force myself to go, but even then, Im not going to be putting in 100%.
Wah.
I feel stupid, fat, ugly, lonely, lowlife, loser, that has to beg people to hang out with me, people that maybe hate me for reasons I don't know.
What did i do to deserve this?
I mean, I know people are busy, but no one makes the time or effort to see me. One of my roommates that was also abroad last semester hangs out with her friends every day. EVERY DAY. they were excited to see her the first day back and she wasnt around the apartment because she was with them.
sigh.
sigh.
sigh.
I just want to curl into a ball and cry cry cry.
:(
when will I get a break?
I'm sick of being rejected, both academically and socially. fuck my life.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, December 9, 2010
means to an end
I dont know why but I am currently bawling my eyes out. And its 11:59 AM.
Just been thinking a lot about things recently, and how fast time has gone. I'm at the end of my time here, and were it not for a couple of people, I really wouldn't have cared about leaving.
But I'm scared that things just won't be the same after I'm gone.
I just wish I could've done things a bit differently at the beginning, and maybe I would be at a better place right now.
I'm scared about losing my best friend. I'm scared of just being me. I'm scared to lose who I am.
This really has been a great experience, I had so much fun and met so many wonderful people, and I'm just worried that the people that matter most to me, won't miss me.
I keep replaying a certain scene in my head and it is what is driving these tears and making me go crazy. Tears of hopelessness, that I had a chance to do something but I blew it through my actions.
And here I am, thinking about a million other things rather than focusing on reading the material for my exam tomorrow. Shit.
I figured id post on here rather than try to find a sad status to post on facebook or flood some poor soul with my problems.
This guy i met in london keeps texting me. You think i'd like the attention, someone that wants to talk to me, but to be honest, im not interested. wahh. it hurts me to realize that people move on and i never had a chance.
:'(
Just been thinking a lot about things recently, and how fast time has gone. I'm at the end of my time here, and were it not for a couple of people, I really wouldn't have cared about leaving.
But I'm scared that things just won't be the same after I'm gone.
I just wish I could've done things a bit differently at the beginning, and maybe I would be at a better place right now.
I'm scared about losing my best friend. I'm scared of just being me. I'm scared to lose who I am.
This really has been a great experience, I had so much fun and met so many wonderful people, and I'm just worried that the people that matter most to me, won't miss me.
I keep replaying a certain scene in my head and it is what is driving these tears and making me go crazy. Tears of hopelessness, that I had a chance to do something but I blew it through my actions.
And here I am, thinking about a million other things rather than focusing on reading the material for my exam tomorrow. Shit.
I figured id post on here rather than try to find a sad status to post on facebook or flood some poor soul with my problems.
This guy i met in london keeps texting me. You think i'd like the attention, someone that wants to talk to me, but to be honest, im not interested. wahh. it hurts me to realize that people move on and i never had a chance.
:'(
Monday, December 6, 2010
almost to the end of a journey...
so ive got about a week left in brighton.
2 weeks left in england.
its almost the end.
how the hell did time pass so fast? Jeeze. UGH. I don't want to think about going back to school next semester and starting the crunch to finish my thesis on time and graduate. so much pressure.
I've learned so much about myself this semester, no joke. I've learned about my own personality and how i come off, in addition to how I act towards other people. I went through the darkest stages at the beginning, feeling so low and depressed, the confidence that i had built up that guided me through vegas, shattered into a million pieces. and somehow i found my way through it, on my own. and here i am, at the end, feeling stronger yet still so vulnerable.
i definitely feel like im way too nice and considerate of others, because, to be honest, other people don't really give a rat's ass about me. sorry for the language, but its the truth.
people tell you one thing, and do another thing, it's really hard to know who to believe and trust.
i also realized that the majority of the problem doesn't lie with me. it's with the other people. i mean, you can't expect to get along with everyone; everyone has a different personality, reacts to things differently, thinks about things differently. sure, someone may do something that you may not like, but the world doesn't revolve around you and you alone. think about how you make others feel, because you can and will make them feel like shit. I know i felt like that. And it really sucks.
I felt sorry for myself, that no one wants me, etc. but this past weekend I went to Kingston for the night and went out with my cousin to a bar. Let's just say I had person after person coming up to talk to me. Yea i know. I'm majorly limiting myself here in brighton by acting the way i am, but idk, id rather limit than lose, you know?
GOD. and no one else thinks about the sacrifices I have made to be here right now.
No one appreciates any attempts I make to hang out with everyone and to get everything done.
One life of running around trying to fit everyone in and do everything at once.
I'm just so unsure of things right now. When I go back home, how will things be? Will my friends from school still be there to hang out with? Will I have to make new friends because everyone has moved on? A part of me wishes I was coming back to england to finish the year here. But then again, I kinda do want to go home and just relax.
Wah. I just wish you knew how i felt. I wish i could read minds, for real. it would make my life so much easier. do you really consider me a friend? or do you just like having me around to have someone to hang out with? I DONT KNOW.
I've come off as stupid and airheaded a lot this semester, but you know what, think what you want. I'm anything but stupid, and sure as hell not an airhead. stop judging me, just treat others how you would like to be treated. all im going to say.
I can't wait to start going to the gym again and running and getting back in shape. its going to feel so good. and by next summer i want to be lean, fit, and in shape so i can hit the beach.
i'm also confused about grad school apps. i finished 7/9 applications, the only 2 that are left are for Sussex (which my dad doesnt want me to do) and the NIH Ox/Cam program (which I have to do soon...write the essay...). Ugh. No motivation to do anything as of late.
PS. Did I mention how much i hate girls? Seriously, girls are bitches and I dont like having to compete for attention.
Gah. Just wrote out almost everything that ive been feeling lately.
going for a massage in the morning, gotta get up at 8:20 to catch the bus into town. i cant wait. so early but i hope it will be worth it. i also have to go shopping at the mall tomorrow, get some gifts and clothes. hopefully i will get it done tomorrow and also do some studying. hmmmm
alright i should go to bed...going to only get about 4 hours now. ughhh. need to catch up soon once school is done with.
comments please. xoxoxox
2 weeks left in england.
its almost the end.
how the hell did time pass so fast? Jeeze. UGH. I don't want to think about going back to school next semester and starting the crunch to finish my thesis on time and graduate. so much pressure.
I've learned so much about myself this semester, no joke. I've learned about my own personality and how i come off, in addition to how I act towards other people. I went through the darkest stages at the beginning, feeling so low and depressed, the confidence that i had built up that guided me through vegas, shattered into a million pieces. and somehow i found my way through it, on my own. and here i am, at the end, feeling stronger yet still so vulnerable.
i definitely feel like im way too nice and considerate of others, because, to be honest, other people don't really give a rat's ass about me. sorry for the language, but its the truth.
people tell you one thing, and do another thing, it's really hard to know who to believe and trust.
i also realized that the majority of the problem doesn't lie with me. it's with the other people. i mean, you can't expect to get along with everyone; everyone has a different personality, reacts to things differently, thinks about things differently. sure, someone may do something that you may not like, but the world doesn't revolve around you and you alone. think about how you make others feel, because you can and will make them feel like shit. I know i felt like that. And it really sucks.
I felt sorry for myself, that no one wants me, etc. but this past weekend I went to Kingston for the night and went out with my cousin to a bar. Let's just say I had person after person coming up to talk to me. Yea i know. I'm majorly limiting myself here in brighton by acting the way i am, but idk, id rather limit than lose, you know?
GOD. and no one else thinks about the sacrifices I have made to be here right now.
No one appreciates any attempts I make to hang out with everyone and to get everything done.
One life of running around trying to fit everyone in and do everything at once.
I'm just so unsure of things right now. When I go back home, how will things be? Will my friends from school still be there to hang out with? Will I have to make new friends because everyone has moved on? A part of me wishes I was coming back to england to finish the year here. But then again, I kinda do want to go home and just relax.
Wah. I just wish you knew how i felt. I wish i could read minds, for real. it would make my life so much easier. do you really consider me a friend? or do you just like having me around to have someone to hang out with? I DONT KNOW.
I've come off as stupid and airheaded a lot this semester, but you know what, think what you want. I'm anything but stupid, and sure as hell not an airhead. stop judging me, just treat others how you would like to be treated. all im going to say.
I can't wait to start going to the gym again and running and getting back in shape. its going to feel so good. and by next summer i want to be lean, fit, and in shape so i can hit the beach.
i'm also confused about grad school apps. i finished 7/9 applications, the only 2 that are left are for Sussex (which my dad doesnt want me to do) and the NIH Ox/Cam program (which I have to do soon...write the essay...). Ugh. No motivation to do anything as of late.
PS. Did I mention how much i hate girls? Seriously, girls are bitches and I dont like having to compete for attention.
Gah. Just wrote out almost everything that ive been feeling lately.
going for a massage in the morning, gotta get up at 8:20 to catch the bus into town. i cant wait. so early but i hope it will be worth it. i also have to go shopping at the mall tomorrow, get some gifts and clothes. hopefully i will get it done tomorrow and also do some studying. hmmmm
alright i should go to bed...going to only get about 4 hours now. ughhh. need to catch up soon once school is done with.
comments please. xoxoxox
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
oh what a life
So it's FREEZING cold here. Think its going to snow, thats how cold it is. They started putting sand on the streets, immediate clue as to the upcoming inclement weather. Guess I'll experience my first snow in England. Excited.
I have no motivation to study anymore. I have a paper due Thursday and a test in Cell Regulation and Cancer also on Thursday, and I don't feel the need to focus on it. I don't know why or what's wrong with me. I am just tired of school and constantly writing essays. I have an essay every other week. So annoying.
I'm not ready to leave yet. I have about 3 more weeks here and it's so scary how fast time has left. I don't want to go back to school and start working in the lab nonstop and then graduating!! AHH
And to top it off, I still have to finish my grad school applications..ugh. More essays to write. I don't want to do it.
I've started to feel hopeless. Just some things have happened that have made me realize that not everyone thinks in the same way I do. I've learned that people I didn't even know existed have come to not like me, for reasons beyond my control. It just really hurts me to hear the hurtful things that have been said, and it just makes me feel like I'm not good enough. And when people take this into account and don't want anything to happen because of it, it just makes me feel even worse, like I'm not worth anything.
Haters. Haters gonna hate, what can you do. Don't let them put you down, and just keep on going through.
I fell into a kind of depression on Friday, I just felt like I didn't have any friends, and I was just in a miserable mood. Thankfully I feel better now but I still feel that hopelessness that things just aren't going to change.
I don't have anyone that I'm currently interested in to keep my positive outlook. No one. Nothing. Wah.
I just wish some knight in shining armor could come sweep me off my feet. It's my turn. :(
Those that I have liked, like to keep me at an arm's distance, just friends. It kills me to know that I would do anything for them but still just regarded as a friend.
Must look at things with a more positive outlook...must...keep...going.
:(
I'm thinking about starting another blog, this time for advice. I want to open up my readership to many more people.
I just need something to occupy my time with, some kind of hobby. And since writing essays is not my forte, rambling on a blog seems much more easier for me to do.
Oh, I'm getting a massage tomorrow. Really excited for that. And its only for 15 pounds (Great deal seeing as it was originally 50 pounds). So. Excited.
Anyway, on to fixing my essay (which by the way, had to be 1500 words and I sat and wrote 2000...I've cut out about 250 words now, only 250 to go...so difficult).
More later when I have more inspiration.
xoxo
I have no motivation to study anymore. I have a paper due Thursday and a test in Cell Regulation and Cancer also on Thursday, and I don't feel the need to focus on it. I don't know why or what's wrong with me. I am just tired of school and constantly writing essays. I have an essay every other week. So annoying.
I'm not ready to leave yet. I have about 3 more weeks here and it's so scary how fast time has left. I don't want to go back to school and start working in the lab nonstop and then graduating!! AHH
And to top it off, I still have to finish my grad school applications..ugh. More essays to write. I don't want to do it.
I've started to feel hopeless. Just some things have happened that have made me realize that not everyone thinks in the same way I do. I've learned that people I didn't even know existed have come to not like me, for reasons beyond my control. It just really hurts me to hear the hurtful things that have been said, and it just makes me feel like I'm not good enough. And when people take this into account and don't want anything to happen because of it, it just makes me feel even worse, like I'm not worth anything.
Haters. Haters gonna hate, what can you do. Don't let them put you down, and just keep on going through.
I fell into a kind of depression on Friday, I just felt like I didn't have any friends, and I was just in a miserable mood. Thankfully I feel better now but I still feel that hopelessness that things just aren't going to change.
I don't have anyone that I'm currently interested in to keep my positive outlook. No one. Nothing. Wah.
I just wish some knight in shining armor could come sweep me off my feet. It's my turn. :(
Those that I have liked, like to keep me at an arm's distance, just friends. It kills me to know that I would do anything for them but still just regarded as a friend.
Must look at things with a more positive outlook...must...keep...going.
:(
I'm thinking about starting another blog, this time for advice. I want to open up my readership to many more people.
I just need something to occupy my time with, some kind of hobby. And since writing essays is not my forte, rambling on a blog seems much more easier for me to do.
Oh, I'm getting a massage tomorrow. Really excited for that. And its only for 15 pounds (Great deal seeing as it was originally 50 pounds). So. Excited.
Anyway, on to fixing my essay (which by the way, had to be 1500 words and I sat and wrote 2000...I've cut out about 250 words now, only 250 to go...so difficult).
More later when I have more inspiration.
xoxo
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
thoughts
So I've been in the UK for about 2 months now, and I love it. Love love love it. I decided that I belong in a city, not in the woods of Western Massachusetts. I need city life, city people, music, clubs, cafes, everything.
I was going to keep a blog of what was going on while I was here so I could look back later and see what I had done while abroad, but I fail. Check out my twitter for day to day updates.
Instead I'm going to keep this open as a creative venting outlet.
I learned a lot about myself while I've been here. And the most important thing is that I'm afraid of being alone.
You wouldn't think that because I've always been independent, always had my own thing going, but deep inside, I'm scared. Scared that I'm not good enough, scared that no one will ever love me, and scared that it's all just a dream.
Different events have shown me that my subconscious doesn't like being alone. And it's just so unassuring. In a different country, I don't have any family I can automatically go to when I'm bored and have no one else. And when friends disappear, what am I to do? I'm left on my own, and that scares me. So much.
I guess in order to be with someone, you have to know yourself. You have to be comfortable with who you are and what you are doing. I thought I had all of this under control, but after a lot of thinking lately, I don't think I'm content with myself, be it at the moment.
Even the blind eyes of skype can't bring me closer to my goal. Sure, I can talk to anyone I see online on my list, but that doesn't replace my need for social interaction and face to face contact. Sigh.
And I'm not sure I even want to come home. I don't want to go back to my university because I feel like everyone has moved on without me. I'm not missed. What impact have I had on people at school? None.
Waahhhh. This just makes me want to burst into tears.
Too much time on my hands spent on thinking instead of doing the very many essays I have to write. Ugh.
And then next week is Thanksgiving. First thanksgiving with out my family. I dont like the thought of that. I'm going to cook a thanksgiving meal (or at least try) for my friends here, but it's just not going to be the same.
....
I guess theres not much more to say without being repetitive. So there. I admit it. I'm scared of being and ending up alone. But who isn't?
xox
I was going to keep a blog of what was going on while I was here so I could look back later and see what I had done while abroad, but I fail. Check out my twitter for day to day updates.
Instead I'm going to keep this open as a creative venting outlet.
I learned a lot about myself while I've been here. And the most important thing is that I'm afraid of being alone.
You wouldn't think that because I've always been independent, always had my own thing going, but deep inside, I'm scared. Scared that I'm not good enough, scared that no one will ever love me, and scared that it's all just a dream.
Different events have shown me that my subconscious doesn't like being alone. And it's just so unassuring. In a different country, I don't have any family I can automatically go to when I'm bored and have no one else. And when friends disappear, what am I to do? I'm left on my own, and that scares me. So much.
I guess in order to be with someone, you have to know yourself. You have to be comfortable with who you are and what you are doing. I thought I had all of this under control, but after a lot of thinking lately, I don't think I'm content with myself, be it at the moment.
Even the blind eyes of skype can't bring me closer to my goal. Sure, I can talk to anyone I see online on my list, but that doesn't replace my need for social interaction and face to face contact. Sigh.
And I'm not sure I even want to come home. I don't want to go back to my university because I feel like everyone has moved on without me. I'm not missed. What impact have I had on people at school? None.
Waahhhh. This just makes me want to burst into tears.
Too much time on my hands spent on thinking instead of doing the very many essays I have to write. Ugh.
And then next week is Thanksgiving. First thanksgiving with out my family. I dont like the thought of that. I'm going to cook a thanksgiving meal (or at least try) for my friends here, but it's just not going to be the same.
....
I guess theres not much more to say without being repetitive. So there. I admit it. I'm scared of being and ending up alone. But who isn't?
xox
Sunday, September 19, 2010
got 99 problems and a bitch is one
tonight was an interesting night.
I went out to a benefit for my friend Adam who has leukemia and then after went out with some friends to a bar and got food.
I was a little depressed tonight and nearly fell into tears a few times.
Yea theres things bothering me.
What bothers me the most is that I feel like I'm losing my friends.
When I went to visit Amherst last weekend I felt like although I had so many people to see, none of them I was close enough to really feel like I have a friend I can trust.
1. My supposed best friend who I tell everything to, last weekend in Amherst, he left me at the bar. Like no concern of how I was doing, where I was going to go, etc. It just makes me mad because this person says they will miss me so much next semester and what will they do without me? But continues to ignore my text messages and calls because they are "busy."
yea, going to miss me so much.
please spare me the bullshit.
2. Also. I am tired of being thought of as second rate. I get a text to hang out so late, I know what they are looking for, and although I may have gone along with it at first (and this whole summer to be exact), I have decided that I would like a relationship.
Everyone around me is in a relationship right now, and it's just sucky to be around that and not have anything myself. It makes me feel worthless and that I am not worthy of being in a relationship. What am I missing that everyone else has? Why is it so difficult for me to find?
I'm not asking for much. I don't understand why every guy I hang out with only sees me as someone to just have fun with, and when they don't get what they want, they disappear.
It hurts so much, it really does.
3. I'm slowly losing my friends. I don't have anyone I can talk to. Instead I must vaguely ramble on this without revealing too much. But then again, who reads this? no one.
It makes me so sad to realize that I don't have anyone stable anymore that I can count on. I used to always have at least one person I could go to when I had a problem that I needed to rant. And now, that number is zero. zilch.
My best friend is with her boyfriend all the time, and I'm leaving in 5 days. I haven't hung out with her alone in....I don't remember when. Whenever I hang out with her, she's with him. No girl time, no girl talk.
other best friend from school, slowly drifting away.
other friends from school, bonding without me while I am away this semester.
being used by a douchebag.
oh and my good friend in england might no longer be there this semester. it's going to suck.
I feel like everything is falling apart. Everything was going good and I was confident about everything, but now things are going down the drain. I don't feel strong connections with anyone anymore, and I feel like I can't even talk to my own parents about it.
My friends that I trusted the most are too busy to listen, too busy to make time.
I go out of my way to hang out with other people, and I feel like they wouldn't do the same for me.
Too nice. Ugh.
I also hate feeling guilty, or someone that tries to make me feel guilty because I don't want to do something.
If I say no I cant, then fucking accept it. I never push other people constantly, and it makes me so mad when someone can't take no for an answer. It always has to be someone else's way, never mine. Things never work out when I try to plan things, because people are unaccommodating and selfish.
Ughhhhhhh wtf. I'm in such a bad, weird mood, I hate it so much.
I just want things to go back to the way they were, before I started feeling like this.
I know it's nothing huge to ruin my day, but the more I think about it, the more it does ruin my day.
I'm a people pleaser.
And I didn't get enough sleep last night. So I almost fall asleep as I write this.
Blah.
Bed time, thanks for listening to my rant.
At least I can express myself somewhere, right?
But then again, who reads this? No one. I'm not important.
Ughhh
xoxo
I went out to a benefit for my friend Adam who has leukemia and then after went out with some friends to a bar and got food.
I was a little depressed tonight and nearly fell into tears a few times.
Yea theres things bothering me.
What bothers me the most is that I feel like I'm losing my friends.
When I went to visit Amherst last weekend I felt like although I had so many people to see, none of them I was close enough to really feel like I have a friend I can trust.
1. My supposed best friend who I tell everything to, last weekend in Amherst, he left me at the bar. Like no concern of how I was doing, where I was going to go, etc. It just makes me mad because this person says they will miss me so much next semester and what will they do without me? But continues to ignore my text messages and calls because they are "busy."
yea, going to miss me so much.
please spare me the bullshit.
2. Also. I am tired of being thought of as second rate. I get a text to hang out so late, I know what they are looking for, and although I may have gone along with it at first (and this whole summer to be exact), I have decided that I would like a relationship.
Everyone around me is in a relationship right now, and it's just sucky to be around that and not have anything myself. It makes me feel worthless and that I am not worthy of being in a relationship. What am I missing that everyone else has? Why is it so difficult for me to find?
I'm not asking for much. I don't understand why every guy I hang out with only sees me as someone to just have fun with, and when they don't get what they want, they disappear.
It hurts so much, it really does.
3. I'm slowly losing my friends. I don't have anyone I can talk to. Instead I must vaguely ramble on this without revealing too much. But then again, who reads this? no one.
It makes me so sad to realize that I don't have anyone stable anymore that I can count on. I used to always have at least one person I could go to when I had a problem that I needed to rant. And now, that number is zero. zilch.
My best friend is with her boyfriend all the time, and I'm leaving in 5 days. I haven't hung out with her alone in....I don't remember when. Whenever I hang out with her, she's with him. No girl time, no girl talk.
other best friend from school, slowly drifting away.
other friends from school, bonding without me while I am away this semester.
being used by a douchebag.
oh and my good friend in england might no longer be there this semester. it's going to suck.
I feel like everything is falling apart. Everything was going good and I was confident about everything, but now things are going down the drain. I don't feel strong connections with anyone anymore, and I feel like I can't even talk to my own parents about it.
My friends that I trusted the most are too busy to listen, too busy to make time.
I go out of my way to hang out with other people, and I feel like they wouldn't do the same for me.
Too nice. Ugh.
I also hate feeling guilty, or someone that tries to make me feel guilty because I don't want to do something.
If I say no I cant, then fucking accept it. I never push other people constantly, and it makes me so mad when someone can't take no for an answer. It always has to be someone else's way, never mine. Things never work out when I try to plan things, because people are unaccommodating and selfish.
Ughhhhhhh wtf. I'm in such a bad, weird mood, I hate it so much.
I just want things to go back to the way they were, before I started feeling like this.
I know it's nothing huge to ruin my day, but the more I think about it, the more it does ruin my day.
I'm a people pleaser.
And I didn't get enough sleep last night. So I almost fall asleep as I write this.
Blah.
Bed time, thanks for listening to my rant.
At least I can express myself somewhere, right?
But then again, who reads this? No one. I'm not important.
Ughhh
xoxo
Monday, September 13, 2010
Creative Essay - College Application - 2006
Confessions of a Middle School Bully
I smile as the young seventh grader squirms with fear. The fact of the matter is that I am the eighth grader; I am the one in charge. No one can escape my wrath. At least, that is how it seems in the eyes of my peers. I constantly pester those poor kids for their lunch money and shred their homework to pieces. I take credit for their assignments. There is nothing they can do about it, since I am the chief in this small tribe of students. Even the parents of the kids I torment make me seem like a truly beast-like character. There have been several complaints against me; how many times I have been sent to the principal's office, I cannot count.
Oh, to be a Middle School Bully.
I am failing Pre-Algebra. I walk the streets like a tough guy. I spend time with the "cool" kids in the hall instead of going to class. I inflict fear in the eyes of everyone I pass. The fifth graders I like to call "Fresh Meat" turn around and hastily scatter in the opposite direction when they hear my footsteps.
The thing is, it is all just a pretext to who I really am inside. I can't help it that they assume I am going to hit them. I only did that once when I was furious with the situation at home. Or was it twice? I can't remember. Haven't they ever heard of "Forgive and Forget?" I guess I have to learn to control my temper. Contrary to popular belief, I can be reasonable at times. I know when it is time to back off.
Oh, to be a Middle School Bully.
I can't take it anymore; I'm lonelier than ever. Although I may seem to be on top of the Middle School world, I am gradually tumbling through space to the bottom of the chain. I want my parents to have faith in me. I want them to tell me that they love me. My father is rarely home since he joined the navy. The few times he is home, though, he is too busy fighting and bickering with my mother to take notice that I am suffering. I sit at the dinner table by myself, Ralphy, the dog, by my side. Even he doesn't like me for who I am; he knows he will eat the left over scraps I can no longer digest.
I know what I'll do: I'll stop taking my aggression out on others. Maybe then they'll all like me. Maybe then I'll have a friend I can actually talk to, instead of the superficial "cool" kids who like me because the others fear me. It sends tremors down my spine to believe that I do not belong anywhere. The school, my family. It's a battle I fight with myself every day; too bad I am losing miserably.
Oh, to be a Middle School Bully.
While I cry in woe, the rest cry in fear of a Bully who really isn’t the oppressor others make him out to be. It makes me sad to acknowledge the fact that I can never enter the little society called Middle School as the “funny kid,” or the “class clown.” I will always be Rob, the Eighth Grade Bully, or Rob the Monster.
I lie in pain as my misery dries up the tears. Pounding the wall hasn’t worked, at least not yet. I curl up into a ball and hope that tomorrow I will wake up and it will be a different day. A truly different day, where my anguish is gone, and I can be myself.
Oh, to be a Middle School Bully.
(c) 2010 lalaxox...that greek girl
xo
I smile as the young seventh grader squirms with fear. The fact of the matter is that I am the eighth grader; I am the one in charge. No one can escape my wrath. At least, that is how it seems in the eyes of my peers. I constantly pester those poor kids for their lunch money and shred their homework to pieces. I take credit for their assignments. There is nothing they can do about it, since I am the chief in this small tribe of students. Even the parents of the kids I torment make me seem like a truly beast-like character. There have been several complaints against me; how many times I have been sent to the principal's office, I cannot count.
Oh, to be a Middle School Bully.
I am failing Pre-Algebra. I walk the streets like a tough guy. I spend time with the "cool" kids in the hall instead of going to class. I inflict fear in the eyes of everyone I pass. The fifth graders I like to call "Fresh Meat" turn around and hastily scatter in the opposite direction when they hear my footsteps.
The thing is, it is all just a pretext to who I really am inside. I can't help it that they assume I am going to hit them. I only did that once when I was furious with the situation at home. Or was it twice? I can't remember. Haven't they ever heard of "Forgive and Forget?" I guess I have to learn to control my temper. Contrary to popular belief, I can be reasonable at times. I know when it is time to back off.
Oh, to be a Middle School Bully.
I can't take it anymore; I'm lonelier than ever. Although I may seem to be on top of the Middle School world, I am gradually tumbling through space to the bottom of the chain. I want my parents to have faith in me. I want them to tell me that they love me. My father is rarely home since he joined the navy. The few times he is home, though, he is too busy fighting and bickering with my mother to take notice that I am suffering. I sit at the dinner table by myself, Ralphy, the dog, by my side. Even he doesn't like me for who I am; he knows he will eat the left over scraps I can no longer digest.
I know what I'll do: I'll stop taking my aggression out on others. Maybe then they'll all like me. Maybe then I'll have a friend I can actually talk to, instead of the superficial "cool" kids who like me because the others fear me. It sends tremors down my spine to believe that I do not belong anywhere. The school, my family. It's a battle I fight with myself every day; too bad I am losing miserably.
Oh, to be a Middle School Bully.
While I cry in woe, the rest cry in fear of a Bully who really isn’t the oppressor others make him out to be. It makes me sad to acknowledge the fact that I can never enter the little society called Middle School as the “funny kid,” or the “class clown.” I will always be Rob, the Eighth Grade Bully, or Rob the Monster.
I lie in pain as my misery dries up the tears. Pounding the wall hasn’t worked, at least not yet. I curl up into a ball and hope that tomorrow I will wake up and it will be a different day. A truly different day, where my anguish is gone, and I can be myself.
Oh, to be a Middle School Bully.
(c) 2010 lalaxox...that greek girl
xo
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