ok, we all have our insecurities.
I could pick myself apart in two seconds if you asked me.
I'm short, I have really short legs that are fat, I feel fat, I don't feel pretty, I'm not good enough for him, I'm not confident in myself, do they really like me? am I invading? do they see me as a friend? do they trust me? am I annoying? am I too quiet? am I awkward? am I pushy? am I too passive aggressive?
Various questions I ask myself all the time. When someone verbally attacks me, telling me I'm needy, I need to make more friends, and I make people uncomfortable? Tell me this, how would someone who's quiet and doesn't talk alot make you feel uncomfortable? That's exactly the reason why I am so quiet...I tend to try to avoid confrontation by not saying anything, and when I do try to stick up for myself, I find myself in a corner.
Going to a private elementary school, I was strictly taught to be quiet in class. Children that were loud and didn't listen to the rules were punished. This stuck with me, and I have been the quiet one ever since. As I said before, I am afraid of confrontation.
I'll admit, I have had a hard time making friends in the past. Sophomore year of high school was hell for me after transferring schools. I didn't like that year, I wasn't myself at all.
I'm definitely more open with people now than I was before. A major improvement, if I would have to describe myself over the years.
I hate that people think you have to have yourself figured out by the time you reach college.
I'm experiencing a lot of new things these past 4 years, and it has been hard for me.
Several times last year I fell into a depression, where my two best friends from home had to come see me because they knew I needed them. I'm just trying to find where I belong, and it's hard for me to be confident in what I'm doing when there's always someone judging every move I make. Whether it's my parents, friends, strangers, there's always someone to tell me do this, or do that. When left on my own, I can't make my own decisions.
It hurts, really, to think that people aren't comfortable with me, and I am really that oblivious to it. It also hurts to know that I'll never be good enough, and no one will ever change. That's just how life is. It's how it works.
I never feel like I'm worthy enough to be worth someone's attention. Why would he like me? There's much prettier, skinnier, more interesting girls out there. Why get any hopes up?
Maybe I'm just being overly emotional at a very late hour in the night, but it's how I feel, and there's no better truth than that.
Everyone has their flaws; no one is perfect. You can't expect someone to change overnight.
I guess I just expect people to be extremely open and friendly towards me, which isn't the case.
I don't know anymore, I just don't. But when do I ever know?
I'm just trying to figure things out, what I want to do with my life, where do I want to be?
sigh... I'm just a mess and a half if you ask me.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
caught in a bad romance
you know when someone tells you their problem, but you're not sure if they're talking about you?
I mean, they give you all the signs, if it was anyone else I would say they were into it. but then they go and say theyre into someone, but won't specify who.
if you keep asking, you seem desperate and like you really care. it shows you like them.
but if you don't ask, you don't care at all.
is there no in between?
I hate getting sucked in, because then I daydream a lot. Was it me that he meant? or is there really someone else and he's just not saying? is he just telling me this because we're best friends?
I wish I could read people's minds, fo' real.
what do you think? I need advice!
sigh. I don't know what to do. I'm starting to like him again after I told myself I was over it....blah. :(
anyway, I decided I'm studying abroad next semester. It'll be amazing. I'm in the process of filling out the application, and I hope it all works out!
I even was able to work out my thesis research; if all goes well, I will be able to complete my research during the summer, which I am excited for. I will have to find an apartment here, which I think will be fun. I REALLY need to get this internship, i reallyyyyyy do. I hope I get it. I have already been working on the essay and the recommendations.
So, here are my plans for the rest of the year: summer internship here June-July, Cyprus August, home September (to work on applications for grad school + GRE) and then Late September-October to December, England!!! And then back here to finish my thesis and graduate.
Wow, There's my life for the next year, so many changes.
I just like to travel and meet new people.
Tonight I went to the gym to work out and then I went to the library to study some Biochem for my exam on Tuesday. I'm kind of scared for this exam... I really don't know what to expect. I was there with 2 friends and we ordered pizza and had it delivered to the library, lol.
I'm just so glad it's the weekend. I have plans for tomorrow night and saturday I have to volunteer and then plans for the night, sunday I have to work 5-10. Hmm wonder when all my work will get done?
I'll manage.
Oh, and then next Saturday is my 21st BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!
That needed extra exclamation points.
yes, I can't wait, to be able to go out to bars and clubs, and finally be legal! WOOHOO!
I'm planning on getting dressed up, hopefully a few of my friends can come visit, and we're going to go bar hopping. Yup yup.
I gotta feeling it's gonna be a good night :)
I mean, they give you all the signs, if it was anyone else I would say they were into it. but then they go and say theyre into someone, but won't specify who.
if you keep asking, you seem desperate and like you really care. it shows you like them.
but if you don't ask, you don't care at all.
is there no in between?
I hate getting sucked in, because then I daydream a lot. Was it me that he meant? or is there really someone else and he's just not saying? is he just telling me this because we're best friends?
I wish I could read people's minds, fo' real.
what do you think? I need advice!
sigh. I don't know what to do. I'm starting to like him again after I told myself I was over it....blah. :(
anyway, I decided I'm studying abroad next semester. It'll be amazing. I'm in the process of filling out the application, and I hope it all works out!
I even was able to work out my thesis research; if all goes well, I will be able to complete my research during the summer, which I am excited for. I will have to find an apartment here, which I think will be fun. I REALLY need to get this internship, i reallyyyyyy do. I hope I get it. I have already been working on the essay and the recommendations.
So, here are my plans for the rest of the year: summer internship here June-July, Cyprus August, home September (to work on applications for grad school + GRE) and then Late September-October to December, England!!! And then back here to finish my thesis and graduate.
Wow, There's my life for the next year, so many changes.
I just like to travel and meet new people.
Tonight I went to the gym to work out and then I went to the library to study some Biochem for my exam on Tuesday. I'm kind of scared for this exam... I really don't know what to expect. I was there with 2 friends and we ordered pizza and had it delivered to the library, lol.
I'm just so glad it's the weekend. I have plans for tomorrow night and saturday I have to volunteer and then plans for the night, sunday I have to work 5-10. Hmm wonder when all my work will get done?
I'll manage.
Oh, and then next Saturday is my 21st BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!
That needed extra exclamation points.
yes, I can't wait, to be able to go out to bars and clubs, and finally be legal! WOOHOO!
I'm planning on getting dressed up, hopefully a few of my friends can come visit, and we're going to go bar hopping. Yup yup.
I gotta feeling it's gonna be a good night :)
Saturday, February 6, 2010
In routine
So, much has happened since my last post.
Classes are going well, I'm back in the swing of things. I like my schedule, it's not too busy but busy enough that I feel very productive.
Biochem class...kinda sucks. The professor gave us a quiz yesterday that was supposed to take 20 minutes, and we took the whole class period. Legit, it was like an exam that covered all of the material we had learned in biochem last semester. AND she takes off points for wrong answers. How does that even work!?!? Let's see how it goes this semester...
My psych class is on the Psychology of Aging, which is very interesting; it talks about all the different things that happen as we age, but it's nothing that's so new and out of the ordinary.
I started the Community service learning last Sunday, and it was good; I met the old people and did some activities. I'm supposed to go again today at 2...but I have to leave at 1 to take the bus over there...I will be setting up Bingo! It will be interesting.
Biochem Lab is fine, its interesting, and the Professor is great! First lab report is due on Tuesday and I'm done with it already :)
And then research lab. I'm doing bitch work by planting 400 different strains of seeds. The first day I was ready to quit. I felt so overwhelmed.
But I have already planted about 130 seeds so I'm on my way there to completion. I am going to go on Monday to keep planting seeds; I am up to 9 flats. Only...15 more to go? lol
Also....I might be studying abroad next semester in England. I am excited. I have been going back and forth with it all week, and everyone I talk to says I should do it. Even my lab professor is down with it. I think I'm going to do it. It's only 2 and a half months but I think it will be an amazing experience.
I was also thinking about staying in the area over the summer to work....my professor said she could get a supplement to her grant so she could pay me but she wouldn't know about it until June....Well...I don't know, I kind of have to know soon so if I will stay, I can find an apartment.
Blah.
Oh well. I'll figure it all out.
Thinking about the future is making me all anxious and shit. lol
Later! xoxo
Classes are going well, I'm back in the swing of things. I like my schedule, it's not too busy but busy enough that I feel very productive.
Biochem class...kinda sucks. The professor gave us a quiz yesterday that was supposed to take 20 minutes, and we took the whole class period. Legit, it was like an exam that covered all of the material we had learned in biochem last semester. AND she takes off points for wrong answers. How does that even work!?!? Let's see how it goes this semester...
My psych class is on the Psychology of Aging, which is very interesting; it talks about all the different things that happen as we age, but it's nothing that's so new and out of the ordinary.
I started the Community service learning last Sunday, and it was good; I met the old people and did some activities. I'm supposed to go again today at 2...but I have to leave at 1 to take the bus over there...I will be setting up Bingo! It will be interesting.
Biochem Lab is fine, its interesting, and the Professor is great! First lab report is due on Tuesday and I'm done with it already :)
And then research lab. I'm doing bitch work by planting 400 different strains of seeds. The first day I was ready to quit. I felt so overwhelmed.
But I have already planted about 130 seeds so I'm on my way there to completion. I am going to go on Monday to keep planting seeds; I am up to 9 flats. Only...15 more to go? lol
Also....I might be studying abroad next semester in England. I am excited. I have been going back and forth with it all week, and everyone I talk to says I should do it. Even my lab professor is down with it. I think I'm going to do it. It's only 2 and a half months but I think it will be an amazing experience.
I was also thinking about staying in the area over the summer to work....my professor said she could get a supplement to her grant so she could pay me but she wouldn't know about it until June....Well...I don't know, I kind of have to know soon so if I will stay, I can find an apartment.
Blah.
Oh well. I'll figure it all out.
Thinking about the future is making me all anxious and shit. lol
Later! xoxo
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
first day of classes, complete.
meh.
I don't think anyone reads this anymore. So whatever. I don't really have anything important to blog about but I like having a record of things.
I'm so tired.
First day of classes was ok.
I had one class and lab.
My Psych class was good, it seems interesting.
Psychology of Aging. Sounds dry but I hope its good.
I'm probably going to do the community service learning section of it, volunteering at senior centers. It should be fun, and its only 3 hours a week.
I might just do it on a Saturday morning or something because my weekly schedule is packed.
The professor shamelessly promoted herself the entire class.
Yea, we get it, you have your Ph.D. from Columbia. You published several books and want to make money. Even published the lecture notes through a book publisher so we have to buy the notes instead of providing them online. Copyright my ass. You just want to make more money.
It's annoying.
I have to go buy the textbook tomorrow. I bought the 2nd edition of the book but noooo we have to buy the third edition. Ugh.
Biochem lab was long. It should be an interesting semester though.
One class tomorrow and I'm done. I'm kinda liking this schedule.
More later, I'm Sleepy. 'Night.
I don't think anyone reads this anymore. So whatever. I don't really have anything important to blog about but I like having a record of things.
I'm so tired.
First day of classes was ok.
I had one class and lab.
My Psych class was good, it seems interesting.
Psychology of Aging. Sounds dry but I hope its good.
I'm probably going to do the community service learning section of it, volunteering at senior centers. It should be fun, and its only 3 hours a week.
I might just do it on a Saturday morning or something because my weekly schedule is packed.
The professor shamelessly promoted herself the entire class.
Yea, we get it, you have your Ph.D. from Columbia. You published several books and want to make money. Even published the lecture notes through a book publisher so we have to buy the notes instead of providing them online. Copyright my ass. You just want to make more money.
It's annoying.
I have to go buy the textbook tomorrow. I bought the 2nd edition of the book but noooo we have to buy the third edition. Ugh.
Biochem lab was long. It should be an interesting semester though.
One class tomorrow and I'm done. I'm kinda liking this schedule.
More later, I'm Sleepy. 'Night.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
back to routine
first night back at school.
I was excited at first but then I realized I miss home. I miss my bed. I miss my room. I miss my family.
I miss talking to my best friend on skype for hours. :(
blah.
Change.
I guess it's time to be productive again.
No classes tomorrow though, we have a day off for MLK. First day is Tuesday, when I have day 1 of my 5 hour biochem lab. ughhhh death.
It will be ok though.
I don't know why I am feeling down. I definitely was excited to see all my friends again, I missed everyone.
Meh. I don't know. I'm prob just being emotional if you get what I mean.
As much as I said I was bored, I actually had a good break.
Friday night I ended up going to the club with Diana.
We went to this place about 40 min away.
It was fun, and veryyyyyyyy interesting to say the least.
Last night I went to a hockey game with my brother. It was great! We had fun and we won!! Yes.
I really like hanging out with my little brother. We get along so well.
In addition I feel bad for him because he gets bullied at school. It's ridiculous.
His supposed "friends" call him names and make his life a living hell.
It's so bad that he wants to switch schools. I felt so bad and I know exactly how he feels because that happened to me before too.
Poor kid, I don't know what to do. He told my parents about it a few months ago and hasn't mentioned it again, so they figured it was over. But a little chit chat in the car with him revealed that that was not the case.
Oh, and 2 of his friends added me on facebook, just to get my brother mad. I accepted one of them, and then I quickly removed him from my friends once I heard what he was doing to my brother. And I ignored the other friend request.
I was really tempted to send these little jerks a message on facebook regarding what they think is funny. "You better cut the shit and leave my brother alone or you'll regret the day you started to tease him" was what I wanted to send. But then that would just cause problems...you told your sister to help you? what a baby. and also, it sounds kind of threatening. so...yea. not gonna send it.
I have no idea what to do to help him, and neither do my parents. If you tell the teachers, they will all just get in trouble and just be mad at him. It will only make things worse, but there's no other way to make things better.
Any advice? What would you do?
I am hoping to get to bed before 2 am tonight. I will head to bed after this post. It's a record!! Get up early tomorrow, get some breakfast (having to walk down the hill in the cold to eat...not my fav).
I'm also going to start my healthy routine. Going to hit the gym tomorrow afternoon, maybe go to one of the exercise classes if I can. And I'm going to try to eat healthier. I am determined to lose 10 pounds!!!!! There, I said it. I'm going to make it happen.
Today for dinner I had a salad. success!
On another note, I really wish I had an apartment.
I went to a housewarming party for one of my friends that just moved to an offcampus apartment, its so cute! The bed rooms are huge.
I want that feeling of home, rather than a small dorm room.
Oh well, next year for sure.
Sweet dreams. Goodnight.
I was excited at first but then I realized I miss home. I miss my bed. I miss my room. I miss my family.
I miss talking to my best friend on skype for hours. :(
blah.
Change.
I guess it's time to be productive again.
No classes tomorrow though, we have a day off for MLK. First day is Tuesday, when I have day 1 of my 5 hour biochem lab. ughhhh death.
It will be ok though.
I don't know why I am feeling down. I definitely was excited to see all my friends again, I missed everyone.
Meh. I don't know. I'm prob just being emotional if you get what I mean.
As much as I said I was bored, I actually had a good break.
Friday night I ended up going to the club with Diana.
We went to this place about 40 min away.
It was fun, and veryyyyyyyy interesting to say the least.
Last night I went to a hockey game with my brother. It was great! We had fun and we won!! Yes.
I really like hanging out with my little brother. We get along so well.
In addition I feel bad for him because he gets bullied at school. It's ridiculous.
His supposed "friends" call him names and make his life a living hell.
It's so bad that he wants to switch schools. I felt so bad and I know exactly how he feels because that happened to me before too.
Poor kid, I don't know what to do. He told my parents about it a few months ago and hasn't mentioned it again, so they figured it was over. But a little chit chat in the car with him revealed that that was not the case.
Oh, and 2 of his friends added me on facebook, just to get my brother mad. I accepted one of them, and then I quickly removed him from my friends once I heard what he was doing to my brother. And I ignored the other friend request.
I was really tempted to send these little jerks a message on facebook regarding what they think is funny. "You better cut the shit and leave my brother alone or you'll regret the day you started to tease him" was what I wanted to send. But then that would just cause problems...you told your sister to help you? what a baby. and also, it sounds kind of threatening. so...yea. not gonna send it.
I have no idea what to do to help him, and neither do my parents. If you tell the teachers, they will all just get in trouble and just be mad at him. It will only make things worse, but there's no other way to make things better.
Any advice? What would you do?
I am hoping to get to bed before 2 am tonight. I will head to bed after this post. It's a record!! Get up early tomorrow, get some breakfast (having to walk down the hill in the cold to eat...not my fav).
I'm also going to start my healthy routine. Going to hit the gym tomorrow afternoon, maybe go to one of the exercise classes if I can. And I'm going to try to eat healthier. I am determined to lose 10 pounds!!!!! There, I said it. I'm going to make it happen.
Today for dinner I had a salad. success!
On another note, I really wish I had an apartment.
I went to a housewarming party for one of my friends that just moved to an offcampus apartment, its so cute! The bed rooms are huge.
I want that feeling of home, rather than a small dorm room.
Oh well, next year for sure.
Sweet dreams. Goodnight.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Video Blog
Decided I would do a video post this time for something different, I was playing around on photobooth on my mac and I discovered a video function. With the distorted colors. hahah
I'm really starting to like this blogging thing. Even if I don't really blog about anything important. lol
I'm really starting to like this blogging thing. Even if I don't really blog about anything important. lol
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Can you meet me halfway?
I'm so tired.
Went to Boston last night to hang out with my friend at her apartment.
Her apartment was cute, they had the two upper floors of this house in Boston. Cute small kitchen, 4 bedrooms, living room and bathroom. I wouldn't mind living there.
It makes me excited to have my own apartment.
I realized how addicted I am to my computer, last night. I brought my laptop with me (of course) and I wasn't able to connect to the wireless network because my friend couldn't remember the password. I got kind of annoyed. I hopelessly tried to connect for an hour before I gave up. And I realized how much I depend on the computer to communicate with friends and just stay connected with the world. It's kind of scary and sad at the same time.
I don't remember what time I went to bed but I got up early and I had to drive home. I was nervous at first because I had never driven a long highway distance before on my own, but i did it. I brought along my GPS but I forgot the little dashboard mounting thing. I didn't realize how much it would affect the stupid little gadget. It couldn't get a signal; it kept saying "acquiring satellites" or it would find signal and then it would be lost.
What the heck is wrong with it, I thought. It's not working!
Good thing my friend wrote down directions for me.
But it wasn't a difficult drive at all. Very easy, I freaked out over nothing.
I made it home safe and well.
I found out that the GPS wasn't working because it wasn't mounted on the dashboard. Great. It couldn't find signal because the roof of the car was blocking the satellite signal or something like that.
Oh well, next time I know.
I got an email today from my lab professor. Classes start in 5 days!!!
I can't believe break is almost over. I got nothing accomplished in the 4 or 5 weeks I was home. Nope.
I really hope this semester is better on me stress wise. I only have 2 actual classes and the rest of my credits are lab work so it will be good.
I hope.
I'm going to take it easy on myself this semester and hope I don't end up crying again. Last semester was so stressful. I was so overwhelmed. I don't think I've had a good semester since freshman year. So I hope this semester will be it. :)
I'm going to try to sketch a little tonight. I'll post a pic if I do anything worthy of someone looking at it. Or I should probably work on my resume. Hmm.
Went to Boston last night to hang out with my friend at her apartment.
Her apartment was cute, they had the two upper floors of this house in Boston. Cute small kitchen, 4 bedrooms, living room and bathroom. I wouldn't mind living there.
It makes me excited to have my own apartment.
I realized how addicted I am to my computer, last night. I brought my laptop with me (of course) and I wasn't able to connect to the wireless network because my friend couldn't remember the password. I got kind of annoyed. I hopelessly tried to connect for an hour before I gave up. And I realized how much I depend on the computer to communicate with friends and just stay connected with the world. It's kind of scary and sad at the same time.
I don't remember what time I went to bed but I got up early and I had to drive home. I was nervous at first because I had never driven a long highway distance before on my own, but i did it. I brought along my GPS but I forgot the little dashboard mounting thing. I didn't realize how much it would affect the stupid little gadget. It couldn't get a signal; it kept saying "acquiring satellites" or it would find signal and then it would be lost.
What the heck is wrong with it, I thought. It's not working!
Good thing my friend wrote down directions for me.
But it wasn't a difficult drive at all. Very easy, I freaked out over nothing.
I made it home safe and well.
I found out that the GPS wasn't working because it wasn't mounted on the dashboard. Great. It couldn't find signal because the roof of the car was blocking the satellite signal or something like that.
Oh well, next time I know.
I got an email today from my lab professor. Classes start in 5 days!!!
I can't believe break is almost over. I got nothing accomplished in the 4 or 5 weeks I was home. Nope.
I really hope this semester is better on me stress wise. I only have 2 actual classes and the rest of my credits are lab work so it will be good.
I hope.
I'm going to take it easy on myself this semester and hope I don't end up crying again. Last semester was so stressful. I was so overwhelmed. I don't think I've had a good semester since freshman year. So I hope this semester will be it. :)
I'm going to try to sketch a little tonight. I'll post a pic if I do anything worthy of someone looking at it. Or I should probably work on my resume. Hmm.
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